My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize