woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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