hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
