I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
