Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
