2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
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