I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
