Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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