Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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