i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
