she was so not down for the gang bang
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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