Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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