it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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