I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
