Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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