if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
