plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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