I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
