I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
