Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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