when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
this is an emotional support booty call
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
