I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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