she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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