His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
