Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize