he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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