Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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