Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
