ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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