Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
