so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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