you guys were way drunker than both of me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I AM VODKA MAN
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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