I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
