i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
