Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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