he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
