apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
