my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
