Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
