Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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