So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
