you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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