Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
