my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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