I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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