The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
