am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
