Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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