is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
