i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
