i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
