I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
