I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
