I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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