I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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