In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
