I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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