I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
